Posted in Breast feeding

Happy National Breastfeeding Week

National Breastfeeding week, this week is very special to my heart this year, being that it is my first and hopefully not my last. That being said I wanted to share my journey thus far. Hopefully it will give other new mommies hope or shed some light to others who don’t know much about it. Forgive me because I am not much of a blogger and don’t usually spill this much about myself but felt it was a good time to do so.

April 18th our little man (lets call him baby W) was born, seven days late. Rough labor, 23+ hrs , and 11:43 pm this new mom and dad were tired but I was determined to breastfeed. All I heard my entire pregnancy is BREAST IS BEST, formula is terrible, etc.  I mean come on, I’m a new mom and felt if I didn’t succeed at this I failed. Well, day 1 we found out baby W was slightly tongue tied, I had no clue what that meant but the nurses told me I was producing enough “food” for him and baby was latching good. Well great! Everything was going as planned or so I thought. Did I mention he was crying non stop. I could feel it in my new mom heart that something wasnt right. I hadn’t slept, my husband barely slept and our new little man was screaming constantly. Was this our new life? Is he gonna be a fussy baby? I kept trying to tell everyone around me he seems hungry still, h’es not staying on long enough. I had countless nurses telling me he was fine and some babies are just fussy. They did however try to help by teaching me ways to rub his back for gas. MAssage him to keep him from being constipated.  But still didnt seem like it was enough.

Day 2- W was still crying,and now so was I, he wouldn’t sleep and finally after I called the lactation counselor in and the nurses multiple times I had enough! We needed help! And as a new mom that is a really hard pill to swallow. So we decided using an S&S method of feeding where I basically attach a tube to feed formula to him while he latches to teach him to stay on and be patient till my milk lets down. OH MY GOODNESS he was like a totally different baby. Come to find out he was barely getting anything, and was crying because he was hungry. His tongue tie wouldn’t let him latch enough to get my milk to let down before he would freak out and start crying. Poor little guy!

Well we went home and had to keep using the S&S method which was only possible with my husbands help. BUT I was able to switch off of formula because I could pump enough to feed him through the tube. That first week and a half we “slept” in our living room with all the lights on. I used the Medela breast pump and literally pumped every second I wasn’t feeding him. It was getting better W was a happy little guy now that he was fed. But he loved to eat, all day and all night, I felt he was attached to my boobs for 2 weeks straight.

This is definitely a little overwhelming and honestly one of the toughest parts of becoming a new mom. This was just a piece of my breastfeeding story with much more to write about… but thats in another post soon to come.

***All I have to add is breastfeeding  is amazing but please listen to your gut, if your baby needs formula, WHO CARES! FED IS BEST! I will leave it at that.

PS I do not believe in mom shaming, I have many beautiful amazing friends who all have different stories and amazing healthy children and neither boob or bottle made that difference.

What are your breastfeeding stories? What made it easier for you? Has anyone out there done the S&S method and did it help you with your bundle of joy.

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Posted in Finding Myself

Your Sh*t, Your choices.

Let me start off by saying; The world can be crushing, devastating and outright f**ked up, but you have the choice to keep our sh*t togethor like an independant, powerful person or lose your sh*t and let it smother and crush you. I can tell you in the last year I have had to decide whether my  life was going to be destroyed by one event or if it I was going to use it as a building block. 

This seems to be a very easy decision to make when your not in the moment, one of those “Duh, who chooses to be unhappy” types of choices. But any of you who have been through life changing events knows that the hardest times in life is digging yourself out the deep dark holes called, loss, divorce, bankruptcy, illness, ect. I mean all of these have similar endings we lose a piece of ourselves and it changes a little part of who or what we thought we were. 

A little backstory for you, not for pity but for you to understand what I have endured and, what I am slowly trying to dig myself out of, is I am getting divorced. This all coming from a short lived 2 year marriage with a then 14 month old. (2 years I know Pathetic, one might say and have said directly to me) and yes, even I may say the same thing. I have also used other words to describe my divorce to others, some not so nice words. To be honest this was not my choice (divorce) in the beginning, but yes it is now. That statement is a powerful one to me, the fact that  I  can now say all of this out loud and be confident in my decision is a big effing deal.

I get super frustrated talking to people about my situation because some of the first things that come out of their mouth tends to be; Two years that’s it? What did you do? What could you have done to make him not make those choices? Or Divorce is frowned upon in our religion? Better make it work! or.. Millenials don’t know what real marriage takes! — Ok that isn’t actually one I have heard but I see it all over the older crowds faces. Eh, probably my own insecurities, because I told myself since I was 16 I will never get married unless I know I wont get divorced,  because I believed in marriage so much and so strongly.  I think most of our society goes into marriage thinking this. Is it an unrealistic expectation? I hope not because I have hope for my future.  However, you can’t control the other person no matter your religion, or beliefs or how amazing of a wife you may be! EVER! People suck and people make decisions that can affect your life and your marriage. Anywho, I am sure there will be other posts about that topic but today I mainly wanted to talk about the Quote from Rachel Hollis “Be the HERO of your own story.”

There are some of you out there who probably are going through these life changes. As you know when something that has had a different outcome than you thought, you feel like a failure! You feel like this has defined you as a person, that this is now how people will perceive you. This does not define you, being the hero to your own story means it is your choice to change the way you feel. You get the choice to be sad or happy about what life have dealt you. Being the hero of your story means NO ONE ELSE is going to rescue you, you are not a damsel in distress.  Overcoming this mentality of  what society has made people believe is that when something bad happens you have to be sad.

Granted my life changing drastically overnight makes me sad but it also tells me that there was something in my life that is meant to be different. That something greater, and more fulfilling is meant for me.  I remember at the beginning of the year I told myself  affirmations daily that, by the end of 2019 I would be headed to my 5 year plan and moving forward. Paying off debt, getting promotions at my job, finding that something that will make me feel like im contributing to this world.  Then my life flipped and I asked myself daily WHY. I truly believe that whatever powers out there may be, that it had a plan and it was already set in motion. I have come to realize over the last six month thats I am larger than the pain that was brought to me and I will find my way and it will have happened to make me stronger for the future. How did I get to this place of positivity so fast.

To do’s for my positive mind:

I write, and ask you can tell i’m not a writer, but i write daily about what happened that was positive.

I listen to music LOUD. 

Moving and exercise are my releases for my bad days, the days i want to cry non stop I go on a run. Or,  take my son out to the park. He is my bright and shiny light at the end of my dark divorce tunnel. 

I read, this is a new one for me as I was never much of s reader when i was younger. However, self improvement books and those about nutrition are now my go to’s.

My newest rule is unplug for at least an hour a day. I find myself on social media watching other peoples “AMAZING LIVES” which im happy for them but “F*** them.” I tend to compare myself to this unrealistic life that social media has made us believe we all have to achieve and it brings me down. That being said unplugging, makes me feel  in control, goal driven and a bit more positive daily.

What are your ways of helping yourself become more positive? Do you struggle with the social media’s portrayal of life as an issues? I need more tips and I would love more people in my life to be more positive or who are influencers that believe that you are what you surround yourself with. Come one people let’s get this positivity train chugging along. Can’t wait to hear from you all.

With love from yours truly,

RAYN 

Posted in Finding Myself

A Life Against Failure

“Do not live your life within your dreams, but within your goals!”

Today I woke up and my mind was set, my mind has been changed. I will no longer be sad and I will no longer feel defeated. Today I am not a failure, today I will be the planner of my life as well as the goal setter of my future.  I am a 28 year old woman, and mother of a 18 month old super child, ex stepmother and EX WIFE. I bring this up not for pity but for clarity on my new found world.  Today after 4 months,  I can finally say that outloud “EX WIFE.” This is a big moment in my life as I have struggled mentally to come to terms with these two words. These TWO SMALL words are game changers in this world. But now I can say this outloud because I KNOW I did not fail at this, I did not choose this path. However, I will  now control where I go on this path or whether I need to redirect myself onto a new trail.

Today is day one of feeling like myself again, this is something I have told myself, countless times the last few months. I keep telling myself it will take time and that this is going to get better, this feeling of betrayal and constant whirlwind of life will some day turn into a page of my stories.

Every day I find a reason to move forward and I tell myself, “I cannot be afraid to fail because this is where I learn, this is where I will succeed from learning from my failures.” I really wish there was a book to tell me how to do all this. However I feel that I would be to busy or too strong willed to read it. Let’s be honest, we as humans never really want to listen to others because we don’t want to admit that they may possibly be right or even better that we may be wrong.

I have read countless blogs, self help books, and watched Youtube videos to help me figure out what to do next. I will not sit here acting like every day moving forward will be a positive one but I am going to wake up every day and make sure to have one goal in mind.

GOAL:

To find the beauty in each day, and find something in that beauty that will drive me towards a prosperous future.

This is what I will do daily and I will check in as time passes and let you know the ups and downs of this journey of becoming me NOT “again” but the ME “reinvented”.

How did you find yourself? What were your daily routines or rituals you would do to keep yourself in a positive mindset? I want to hear your stories of healing and overcoming? Maybe one day this will not be something people look down on but look to understanding.

Signing off as yours truly,

Rayn